Maybe I can blame it on the PMS, but the last couple nights have been pretty damn rough. Tonight is no exception. And because I’m the chatty over-sharer that I am, I’m here to share it with all of you! (Yay!)
I talk a lot online in the evenings with my good friend Kristen, and I was saying a night or two ago that sometimes I just feel the most intense juxtaposition of feelings.
I feel equally blessed and distraught.
And I’ve discovered over the course of my life that I’m the kind of person who just really feels emotions at an extreme level. I am not the type who is like: hey, I feel happy and sad at the same time…sigh…
I’m the type to be like: OH MY GOD!!! The joy in my heart is like standing on a beautiful mountain top and staring upon the glorious wonder of God’s creation!!!! …And this aching sadness I feel is like the melancholy tears of a hundred crying puppies!!!!
Elation! Elation! Despair! Despair!
That’s how Jen feels feelings.
As I’ve said a lot lately – I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to have found that one person in the whole world that is perfect for me. The one person who fills me with happiness, and smiles, and laughter, and joy. All of it! He makes me feel loved and beautiful, even at my worst. We just click so damn well. It’s freakin’ awesome is what it is! Hell yea!!!!
Aaaaand then at that very same time, the world keeps us from getting to be together most of the time. So here…. you find this amazing thing that makes life have new meaning and all that glorious stuff from stories and songs – BUT you’re forced to be apart. For months at a time. With a freakin’ ocean stuck between you!!!!
That is my life.
So here I am, another night where I can’t help but cry while I sit in my bed missing him. Just plain ol’ missing him. I have to snuggle my Winnie the Pooh that is sprayed with his cologne to pretend like he’s not so far away. And some nights I lay here feeling like my heart wants to just bust out of my chest and fly to him over the ocean. (Dude, I wasn’t kidding about the PMS. And the feeling of the feelings…)
Don’t get me wrong, it does help immensely that we connect every day – either video calls or FB chat, etc. But, we are often the victims of crappy wifi signals, so conversations can drop abruptly or video calls can freeze for minutes at a time. Plus, because of that six hour time difference, he goes to bed when it’s only the late afternoon here. So those really tough nights when hearing his voice and seeing his face would be all I need to lead me to more tranquil slumbers… well, I have to make do with photos of our times together. Then snuggle up to Winnie the Pooh again, while I cross another day off of the long countdown leading to our next “together time.” (Hey, at least we’re past the half way point now on this particular 3 month stretch!)
You may ask, “Jen, are you really this over-the-top dramatic, expressive, and emotional? Yes. Yes I am. Half a lifetime spent on the stage does have an effect on a person. Plus the PMS. It makes for quite a combination.
And lastly, listen to me and listen good…. If you’ve found your true love and you get to be together every day, never ever ever take it for granted! Even on those boring mundane days, remember that you’re getting to be bored together instead of alone. You can sit around watching a movie together and not alone. You’ll have those warm arms around you when you fall asleep at night. Do you realize how damn amazing that is??? Do you realize how lucky you are???
Hopefully sooner than later, Miloš and I won’t have any more of these insanely long stretches of months apart. And I know when we get there, I’ll never ever EVER take it for granted. Never ever.
(Yup, I totally put little hearts over a Google map on each of our hometowns. That’s how I roll – cheesy and dorky all the way!)