JenSop: The Singing Traveler!

Idealist. Dreamer. Singer. Explorer.

We’ve all got issues – some more than others.

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(**warning of very mild foul language in this post.  Hey, some people are sensitive to that kind of thing, so I’ll always warn if it’s going to happen.)

So here in Vienna, it’s late at night, and I’m feeling kind of introspective.  Today I’m having one of those days where my emotions are all over the place.  And I think it’s time to talk about this kind of thing.  I feel like so often, we’re told to keep our “issues” secret, or just share them with a chosen few.  We put on these fake brave faces.  But by doing so, we’re perpetuating this myth of constant confident happiness.  And the other people who are out there feeling sad think they are all alone in feeling that way.

I’m not going to get into any kind of medical discussion as to definitions of depression, or anxiety, or those kinds of things.  I’m not a healthcare professional, so I’m not going to act like one.  I’m just going to reflect on my own situation.  And well, I have self-esteem issues.  I’m hopelessly insecure a lot of the time.  I try to do the whole fake-it-til-ya-make-it routine, and many days it totally works.  But guess what, I also have days like today, where for no reason whatsoever (pms perhaps?) I feel like an ugly failure.   Yup – worthless loser.  I went through some bad crap as a teenager (sorry, no details forthcoming), that to this day has me dealing with immense insecurities with all kinds of stuff, my looks especially.  It’s only been in the last 2-3 years that I’ve begun to be able to think of myself as an attractive person.  But then I’ll have days where I regress to a bad place – where I feel like a hideous ogre.  (Sigh, that was this morning.)  When I get like this, I’m constantly judging myself against other women – are they prettier, smarter, sexier, younger?

I’m incredibly lucky in that I have an awesome boyfriend who, despite not really understanding why I’m like this, is infinitely patient with me.  I feel so truly fortunate to have him in my life.  He does a fantastic job of making me feel better, but we both wish I didn’t get like this to begin with.  ‘Cause then I end up feeling worse knowing that I’m putting him through crap that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my own past.  (I’m totally that girlfriend who gets all besides herself over stupid shit on Facebook – pics, likes, etc – the stuff I shouldn’t give a damn about.  Yup – I totally get all worked up if he likes a pic of another girl.  I just can’t shake my horrible insecurities – it totally sucks.)  My life over the last few years has been a daily project of working on my self-esteem, but it remains a constant struggle.  It doesn’t come naturally – I have to work on it.  (But it IS better than it used to be, by a great deal.)  I want to get to a place where I truly don’t feel perpetual inadequacy, and some days I totally get there, then other days….well…not so much.

Why am I sharing all this?  Not for pity, not for special attention, but to let others know they are not alone.  I see it every day on Facebook.  People are hurting.  People are sad.  And I know by the posts that friends put on my own wall that most people probably think I have my shit all together all the time.  Well, I don’t.  I struggle.  I cry.  I’ve got some big-time baggage that I bring along on this life journey of mine, and sometimes the weight of it is too much for me to carry, and I collapse.

I’m also sharing because it’s about time this topic isn’t so taboo.  We shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about it!

So for the others out there who have those really really bad days, where things seem hopeless, when the tunnel is dark and you can’t see the end…. you are NOT alone.  We all hurt sometimes – some more than others.  But it’s going to be okay, and we will get through it!  We will have good days, no, great days and hopefully with each passing day, month, year, those great days will be more frequent.  I already have more good and great days than bad days.  🙂  And those terribly irrational bad days?  (‘Cause they are totally irrational!)  Hopefully, we’ll reach the point where they are a thing of the past.

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Author: JenSop

One of my favorite quotes is, "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." I guess I've been a dreamer all my life - I set my sights high and then I try to reach the sky. Some might call me a naive idealist, but that's just the way I am. I believe in always taking the high road, I believe in true love, and I believe in treating people the way you want to be treated. If you put good out into the world, good will come back to you! Being the dreamer that I am, I pursued singing as my primary life's calling - I've got two degrees in classical voice under my belt, and I sing just about anything under the sun. I also love a good adventure. Over the past few years, I've done quite a bit of world traveling, and have even lived abroad for stretches at a time: mostly in Vienna (Austria) and Croatia. A few years ago, I was lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time, and I became a travel agent who specializes in Disney vacations. (Seriously, I KNOW Disney - I've been going regularly since I was a little girl - and I LOVE it!) And with all my experience traveling and living in Europe, I'm becoming quite the specialist in that travel category as well. (And last year, I started working as a Tour Director in Central Europe!) As to the other juicy details of my life - I'm originally from Pennsylvania, I'm married to an awesome Croatian man named Miloš who is the BEST adventure partner a girl could ask for. (He's also an expert on knowing how to make me smile.) He's truly the love of my life! I've also had all kinds of other jobs along the way, besides singer and travel pro. (Which is pretty standard for those of us who went to school for music.) I've worked part time weekends as a Disney Princess look-alike for children's parties. I've been teaching for almost 20 years, and have lots of experience in retail and customer service. Oh, and I should also probably mention that I'm a huge Lord of the Rings/Star Trek nerd! :-) Let's all go along for an adventure, shall we?

2 thoughts on “We’ve all got issues – some more than others.

  1. You are correct…the older you get the easier it gets. Thanks for this post, Jen.

  2. Pingback: Can we all just be okay with being different? | JenSop: The Singing Travel Agent!

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